Becca's Brain

Check out my new blog at Posterous.com!

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 03:01:23 GMT

Even though I'm the world's worst blogger (second to Monika - sorry, Mo!), I'm starting a new blog at posterous.com. It's the easiest blog to use because you just have to email your posts in to post@posterous.com, and they do all the rest - formatting photos, videos, etc. My friends Sachin & Garry made it, and they deserve all the praise they get for it. Anyway, check out my new blog here: chickenunderworld.posterous.com

I'll be going off to Mexico soon for Spanish classes, then heading to California to see my family & attend my 10 year high school reunion. So many interesting posts may be in store (if I can get myself organized).

Finals Meter (Sort of) & Spring Photos!

Thu, 01 May 2008 04:03:01 GMT

I can't believe I just had my last day of classes for my first year! I'd feel much more amazed at the end of the year if I didn't have three of four finals left... But by next Friday, I will be all done with year 1. Just 3 more to go...(hopefully)! This year went so fast that I know I'll blink and be ending year 2 (and freaking out about the dissertation process). I'm looking forward to a bit of time off from school this summer. It's funny how quickly you can adjust to the constant dull anxiety of homework and school pressures. But I'm sure I'll as easily decompress once I get through these finals. Then it'll be back to adult life and "just" working!

In the mean time, here are some photos from early spring, including our many guests in January-March, Emily's birthday celebration, and our Toronto trip:

January - March

January-March 2008

Emily's birthday

Emily's Birthday (April 2008)

Toronto: Dirty Dancing & Niagara

Toronto April 2008

Spring!

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:33:48 GMT

I really shouldn't be posting because I have papers and final projects coming out of my ears. But procrastination is an intoxicating distraction, so here we go...

I'm happy to report that I finally got to see the doctor for my migraines & insomnia last week. All I have to say is the Women's Headache Center in Somerville is a life-saver! All women who suffer from migraines should be so lucky to have such wonderful, thoughtful, compassionate care. I think just knowing that I had prescriptions and a back-up plan have made me much less prone to getting migraines over the past few days. Hooray!

I'm also happy to report that spring has finally come to Somerville! There finally are (a few) leaves and many blossoms on the trees! It's so beautiful and warm, and everyone I talk to is just so much happier than normal because of the weather. This is a phenomenon that most Californians never fully experience. Yes, we're happy when spring comes and "winter" is over in California, but never quite to this euphoric level! Hooray for spring!

Now if I can just finish these darn finals...

I miss sleep...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 18:01:04 GMT

I am a lover of sleep. People who know me know this. Sure, in college, I did my fare share of all-nighters (as certain college friends will remember very well...), but that was back in the magical days when mid-day naps were possible & easy. Over the last month, I have been suffering from insomnia, where sometimes I can't fall asleep at all, and sometimes I fall asleep but wake up every few minutes (or hours) and then have difficulty falling back asleep. I hesitated to call it insomnia because that sounds so dramatic (Fight Club, anyone?), but according to everything I've read, it seems like a text book case.

If this were still the era of midday naps, I would not mind as much. (I tried taking a nap at school this afternoon, but it's hard to sleep at a carrel). I'd just stay up late and make the most of the many, many mornings when I wake up at 4 and can't go back to sleep. However, my daytime hours have become so awful now because I feel so tired and sick all the time.

I'm going to see the doctor in a couple weeks, but I'm hoping to find a solution in the mean time. I've tried melatonin, but it doesn't seem to work. Because I don't want to resort to sleeping pills, I've also tried getting up and reading, stretching meditation, prayer, counting, exercise, wine, hot (soy) milk, cutting down on caffeine, and sleeping in a different room, but nothing has worked. Tonight, I might try hot goat milk, at a suggestion from Nikhil's mom, even though regular milk and goat cheese make me sick. But I'm desperate. Any other magical suggestions out there?

Books I read in 2007

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:34:48 GMT

My first post for each year is usually a list of books I read in the previous year. This year, I'm only 3 months late... But that's sort of the way things have been going for me. The reason I'm finding time to blog now (today & yesterday) is that I am so utterly overwhelmed with all my work for school that distraction seems like the best solution... So here is my belated list of reads from 2007:

* Highly recommended
- Not recommended

Non-fiction:

Feminism Is for Everybody: Passionate Politics (bell hooks)
Abortion Under Attack: Women on the Challenge Facing Choice (Krista Jacob) *
Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why (Bart Ehrman)
Leaving Mother Lake: A Girlhood at the Edge of the World(Yang Erche Namu & Christine Mathieu)
Don't Think of an Elephant! Know Your Values and Frame the Debate (George Lakoff) *
Seeing Red: A Study in Consciousness (Nicholas Humphrey)
Cesar's Way: The Natural, Everyday Guide to Understanding and Correcting Common Dog Problems (Cesar Milan & Melissa Jo Peltier) *
Polio: An America Story (David Oshinsky)
What Government Can Do: Dealing With Poverty & Inequality (Benjamin Page, James Simmons)
Assets and the Poor: A New American Welfare Policy (Michael Sherraden)
The Hidden Cost of Being African American: How Wealth Perpetuates Inequality (Thomas Shapiro) *
The Great Risk Shift: The New Economic Insecurity and the Decline of the American Dream (Jacob Hacker)
The Hidden Welfare State (Christopher Howard)
Better for All the World: The Secret History of Forced Sterilization and America's Quest for Racial Purity (Harry Bruinius) -

Fiction:

The Joys of Motherhood (Buchi Emecheta) *
The Blind Assassin (Margaret Atwood)
The Bluest Eye (Toni Morrison)[re-read]
My Year of Meats (Ruth Ozeki) [audio book]
The Pillowbook of Lady Wisteria (Laura Joh Rowland) -
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (J. K. Rowling) [audio book, re-read]
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (J. K. Rowling) *
The Curious Incident of the Dog and the Night Time (Mark Haddon)
Skin Deep (Guy Garcia)
Playing with Boys (Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez)

Photos after a long lapse....

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 19:24:26 GMT

The best way to make up for this 17-week lapse in blogging is to post a LOT of photos. Clearly grad school does not so much leave me time for blogging. Or maybe I just don't feel inspired to write in the time it does leave. Either way, photos are a good way to make up for the gap...

Mo's big birthday party at the Thirsty Ear in November:

Mo's big party

Misc Boston & Brandeis photos from the fall & early winter:

Boston & Brandeis pics

Thanksgiving weekend & the first snow:

Thanksgiving weekend & the first snow

Christmas & New Years pics:

December 2007

My birthday:

Becca's birthday bash (Jan 2008)

And some misc January pics:

Assorted January 2008

Another goodbye

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 19:32:05 GMT

While in South Dakota on our road trip this summer, I got an email from my friend who works at my high school, saying that a teacher from our school had passed away. Her name is Annie Johnston, and she was my favorite teacher at La Salle and is still the best and favorite teacher I've had. She was brilliant, sharp, and funny and amazing at sharing her knowledge. She also believed in her students so much. Her belief in me when I was on my way off to college (and terrified) made a huge difference to me. She died unexpectedly due to a swimming pool accident. She was very young and so full of life, so it came as quite a shock to me and to the many, many family, friends, and students who loved her. If you knew her and would like to visit her guest book, you can find it here.

Finding out about Ms. Johnston's death in a tiny motel in the middle of South Dakota was so surreal that I felt I couldn't properly grieve for her. I cried and thought of her and her family a lot, but I felt I couldn't grasp the situation fully while driving across the country. So I decided to build an ofrenda (altar) for her in time for Dia de los Muertos. I worked on it throughout October and put a lot of love into it to properly remember her and say goodbye. I also added memories of others who have passed on (Angelina, David, Larry, Sharyn, & my grandma). I made and decorated the sugar skulls on the altar to represent each of them. To share the altar with more people, I thought I'd include a couple photos here. If you click on them, you can see them larger in my Picasa album.

The ofrenda closeup

The full altar included items that belonged to (or reminded me of) my loved ones who passed on.

some older (but no less exciting) photos

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 02:39:17 GMT

One of these days I'm going to get back into doing substantive posts about important issues... But in the mean time, I'm posting more photos. These are from spring & summer and include some pics of mom's puppy Kona; the trip Sarah, Emily, and I took to my aunt & uncle's animal rescue (Wolves 'N Wildlife); and a few of Sarah's visit to Berkely.

Spring & Summer 2007 pics

Here are some videos from our visit to Wolves 'N Wildlife:

Buddha Bear gets a shower

Sarah gives Buddha a bath

Raja smells Sarah and makes a face as he "processes her smell" (don't worry, it's nothing personal) ;)

my Aunt Kris feeds Raja a bottle

Sarah feeds the calf a bottle

Photos!

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 16:17:57 GMT

At last...here are photos from our last Weekly Dinner & our road trip! The road trip pictures include stops at my uncles' house in Montana, Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse Memorial, Needles Highway, Notre Dame, and my friend Nicky's house. Enjoy!

August 2007

1st Boston post

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 23:37:07 GMT

We've been in Boston for almost two weeks, and we've accomplished so much in such a short period that it feels we've been here much longer. Sachin came up from New York the night we arrived and stayed for the weekend, which was so great - it reinforced my idea of the east coast as all one highly accessible region. But in reality it just shows how awesome Sachin is. He got additional awesomeness points when he helped us move all weekend in the 95 degree heat with extreme humidity. (I know I'm not a reliable source when it comes to weather issues, but even the locals were saying that was an unusually hellish day to be moving). With Super Sachin's help, we furnished most of our house in one day with a ton of great, free furniture from CraigsList. This means we're all set up for friends & family to visit & stay with us. (Hint, hint)

I had orientation last week Monday-Wednesday and started school on Thursday. I've been extremely impressed so far with the people I've met and the school's amazing commitment to social justice. It's really nice to be around people who all share the same goals of social justice and social change. It's a sharp contrast to the economics class I took at DVC this summer, where the professor made air quotes around the term "social justice" and dripped with cynicism every time he mentioned things like living wages or welfare. What a nice change!

(If you have any time and you're bored, you can see about my program here. I'm in the Assets & Inequalities track).

Overall, it's been a surprisingly smooth transition, and Nikhil and I are both really excited about all the new opportunities here. Zoe also seems to like the new house - she's just bummed that our backyard isn't fenced, so she can't chase squirrels all day like she did in the W.C. But she's done a great job of adapting to "apartment-style" (yardless & doggy-door-less) living, which is a relief.

Well, off to read statistics...

final road post (#3)

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 18:12:20 GMT

Another quick post from my Treo on the road: We're just a few hours from our new home now. We've been driving slowly & going the speed limit (even though no one else does - the daredevil speeding big rigs are frightening!), so we haven't been pulled over again. (Knock on wood).

We stopped at my friend Nicky's house in Tonawanda, NY (near Buffalo) yesterday. We had a lovley, relaxing evening with her and enjoyed some amazing Thai food at a place called Jasmine (I know, who knew there would be good Thai food in Buffalo?).

So now we're on the home stretch, and I'm starting to consider all the Real Life things that come next...Scary! I'm glad we'll arrive with a couple days to unpack and settle. Plus, Sachin is coming up from NYC for the weekend.

road post #2

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 04:36:34 GMT

This'll be short because I'm posting from my Treo. We made it all the way to South Bend, IN today, which was much farther than the originally planned Chicago stop. We're officially in the Eastern time zone!

We found a small, clean, mom & pop motel and also took a long walk. It's not even hot(71 F), but still the humidity kills me. I'm such a weather wimp - what will I do?

Tomorrow it's on to my friend Nicky's place near Buffalo, NY, and then we're on to Somerville on Thurs.

Road post #1

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 04:58:12 GMT

Today was day 5 of 8 of our road trip to Boston (day 4 of actual driving). It's been so great to have the CDs our friends made us to keep us entertained and awake. Thanks! Here's a summary of the last few days:

Day 1: We left Emily's house in Orinda around 9am and drove all the way to Salt Lake City. It was slow going at first, so this drive took 13 hours (should have taken 10).

Day 2: We drove from Salt Lake City to my uncles' house in Helena, Montana. The driving was much shorter, but we did get pulled over on the way (just outside of Butte, Montana). Nikhil was driving at the time and got off with a warning. Whew. We had dinner with my uncles (Uncle Barry is an amazing cook) and relaxed. We were so happy to be with family, sleep in a comfy bed, and relax. Zoe was happy to have a break from driving.

Day 3: We didn't drive at all this day! We enjoyed the day with my uncles, who showed us around Helena. It's a beautiful area and a cute town - I could see my mom living there and loving it. We went to a farmers' market, got the best bread ever at Great Harvest bakery (Yum! You should try it), saw the sights, and had tasty tacos for lunch. I was already exhausted from all the driving and post-move-out stress, so I had a long nap before dinner and still fell asleep early.

Day 4: We drove to Rapid City, South Dakota. It was a long day of driving, partly because we lost an hour getting lost (on a gravel-covered road). We stayed in the ickiest motel room I have ever encountered. I do cut Motel 6 some slack in general, but this went above and beyond in terms of nastiness - stains on the coverlets, carpet, bathroom tile, and shower plus general uncleanliness around the whole place. Take note: it is definitely worth it to spend the extra $20 to stay at any place other than the Motel 6 in Rapid City. Ew! ...But it was a safe place to sleep, and we were tired. We also witnessed a huge rain storm with thunder and lightning like I have never seen. It was beautiful, but the thunder frightened Zoe at first and made Nik and me jump.

Day 5: Today, we planned a quick stop at Mount Rushmore and another at the Crazy Horse Memorial on the way out of South Dakota. We planned to get all the way to Omaha, Nebraska today. We did in fact do a quick stop at Rushmore, which looked like it does in pictures but was still neat to see in person. As a bonus, there was a family of white mountain goats hanging around, and we took some pictures of them. When we got to the Crazy Horse Memorial, we were so impressed by the story, passion, and purpose behind the project that we decided to spend some time there. We watched an introductory video and walked around the museum and other exhibits. It was so touching to see Native people recognized in this one, small way (well, literally a large work of art but a small gesture in comparison to the genocide it recalls). It brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts for me, and I was so glad to spend a day there.

I have two funny South Dakota stories for today: We did a quick detour along the Needles Highway on our way back to the main freeway. On the way out of the park, I stopped to grab some food at a visitor center/general store. The woman in front of me in line was wearing a Good Charlotte t-shirt. The clerk, an older lady, asked if her name was Charlotte, and the woman said no. Neither of the clerks, the shirt-wearer, nor her husband knew what Good Charlotte was - they guessed it might be a city or a restaurant. Finally, I broke the news that it was a band - a "rock band" no less, and they all laughed and thanked my youth. I thought it was great and just could not picture this happening in California!

We finally got on the road around 4pm, by which time we were both exhausted, so we decided we would drive until dark and then call it a day. On the way, I got pulled over for speeding (83 in a 75 mph zone) and also got off with a warning. We've been so lucky! Apparently, in South Dakota, the cops have you come and sit in their squad car while writing up your ticket. In this case, he wrote up a formal warning for me. He was really nice about it, which was nice. Okay, so that wasn't so much "funny" as "interesting," but oh well...

Tonight we're sleeping in a tiny little (clean!) motel in Kimball, South Dakota. Their marquee proudly proclaims "American owned and operated," and hangs right next to a garish American flag made of Christmas lights. Judging from the way some people stared at us at the diner where we had dinner, I don't think there are many non-"American" alternatives around here. But who knows?

Tomorrow, we plan to make it all the way to Chicago. That is, unless the Corn Palace one city over doesn't waylay us the way Crazy Horse did...

He made it!

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 19:44:40 GMT

I'm happy to report that Nikhil has survived Survival School. Hooray! I just talked to him on the phone, and he was tired but glad to be back in civilization. He'll be back home tomorrow. And then we will be off on our next big adventure on Wednesday. Everything is looking up now that I know he's okay.

The countdown has begun...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:13:17 GMT

Let's face it - I'm really terrible at updating my blog, especially in the midst of so many huge changes. (Nikhil is due back from survival school on Sunday, and we're leaving on our road trip to Boston on Wednesday next week). But I woke up at 4:30 in the morning feeling inspired to post a dream and an update, so here I am. Also, I must admit I'm probably inspired to post right now because there are about a million other things I should be doing instead, such as packing, packing, packing, and generally organizing for the move. Oh, and I'm also attempting to see people to say goodbye. So, just like I would clean my room, do laundry, and reorganize my computer files during finals week, I am finding time to post today.

Although I don't feel too panicky, every single person I talk to lately asks me "Are you okay?" or "What's wrong?" and says I sound "stressed." Well, my unconscious seems to agree with everyone else, because I had a series of classic anxiety dreams last night. The best one involved me taking a GRE subject test (English or literature, maybe), and there was no testing site, so I was taking it at a coffee house. People kept talking to me and interrupting me. I completely lost my head and screamed at them to be quiet because I only had 2 hours to take the test, but no one listened to me. So I got up and ran to a friend's apartment to continue working on the test. I was panicking because I had wasted so much time already due to all the distractions and changing locations. I kept reading and rereading the instructions and questions on this section and could make no sense of them. And suddenly, the apartment I was in filled with people, including my (completely irritating) upstairs neighbor Ace. He played the guitar incredibly loudly and screamed conversations with his friends (this is very like real life). I again screamed that I needed to focus and needed people to be quiet, but they laughed at me and carried on. So I ran out the door, looking for a quiet coffee shop to work in, knowing I would fail and not be able to go to grad school. I woke up literally sweating with terror and then laughed with relief that it was only my anxiety level causing nightmares. The night before, I dreamed that a woman tackled me ad tried to strangle me because she thought I was cheating on an assignment. That night, I woke up gasping for air. Nice.

Today, I've been working on packing and disposing of my 2 remaining pieces of furniture (a couch & a bed). Of course, strategic timing is necessary because we aren't leaving for a few more days, and we and Nikhil's parents will need somewhere to sleep during the weekend. The chaos, packing, goodbyes, and emptiness of my house are working together to make me quite sad and a little overwhelmed. But I think things will be good when Nikhil comes back, and we actually begin the road trip. I'll be starting school with orientation on August 27, so there's not much time to play with - but things usually work out, no matter how much I worry about them in advance.

This is the path I'm thinking we'll take. We're stopping in Helena, Montana to see my uncle there. We may also go through my mom's birthplace, Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and may see my friend Nicky in Buffalo. Other than that, we are planning to be as efficient as possible with our drive, so we can get there in time to settle (a bit) before my program starts. Eek!

a long overdue update

Thu, 31 May 2007 22:37:25 GMT

It's been way too long since I've posted anything here. My life was full of crazy overcommitment for the last two months - Everything from April 2 until today has been a blur. So here's a quick update, even though a break this long really calls for a much more substantial post. But oh well.

Starting on April 2, I visited all the grad schools that were still on my list (in other words those that didn't reject me: Berkeley, George Washington, U Mass Boston, and Brandeis). Actually, I skipped Brandeis on the first round (long story) and flew back to see it only two days later on a quick, dramatic 24-hour visit (another long story). After a very difficult decision process (long story #3), Nikhil and I decided we're moving to Boston! I am really excited to be attending Brandeis’ Social Policy PhD program, and Nik is thrilled to be going to MIT for the Neuroscience PhD program. We're planning to move mid-August, right after Nik returns from his survival school. After making the big school decision, Nik and I went to New York for his cousin Amit's wedding, and when I returned I had two major events at work. It was an exhausting couple of months.

In between now and Boston, I'll be at my job until June 5 (that’s next Tuesday!!), followed by a trip to LA to see my sister graduate from 8th grade, visit family, and meet my mom’s new puppy (June 7-17), then I'll be taking some fun classes at the local community college (by "fun" I mean Calculus and Economics). It was quite an experience to register for classes at the community college. Here are some highlights:
1) I was not allowed to register online because my name and social security number were not “unique.” When I called to inquire, it turned out someone else had registered with my SSN previously! I learned the person happened to have the first name of one of my brothers and “Felix” (my dad’s first name) was his last name. This was all very mysterious and suspicious, but it seems to have been some sort of “error.” After several attempts, I was allowed to register. And THEN

2) My registration was blocked because they said I had not completed the prerequisites (for intro level courses). I had already submitted my transcripts, but apparently I also had to fill out a form and jump through several flaming hoops. When I called, a nice staff person filled out the form for me and allowed me to register right away instead of the usual 48 hour waiting period. Just when I thought I was done…

3) I got a letter in the mail a week or so after registering saying that I had been dropped from my calculus class. The reason: the calculus course I took at Stanford did not meet the prerequisite requirements to take this intro level calculus class. Hmm. I called and asked, and apparently their policy states that you must have taken pre-cal or nothing. Calculus simply won’t cut it as a pre-req for calculus. Just when I thought I'd have to delve into my high school transcripts, another nice staff person had mercy and allowed me to register. Whew! End of saga - for now.

So that’s my update for the moment. Starting next week, I may actually have time to write regular blog posts again…

Outcasts

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 21:23:30 GMT

My brilliant sister Sarah and her friend Kathryn made this film about misunderstood teens with a lot of help from my brilliant brother Jason, who edited it, filmed it, etc. In case you haven't noticed, my siblings are amazing. I think this film is truly impressive - just be sure not to take it literally. But I had to take down the link - sorry about that! Maybe you'll get to see it at a film festival some day soon. :)

Sad goodbye

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 20:12:46 GMT

Dakota, Christmas 2006

Yesterday I got the very sad news that my family's dog, Dakota, passed away. She was 13 and a half years old and has been in my family for 13 years, almost half of my life. She had gotten frail and confused in recent months, and my mom was worried sick about her, but I was convinced it was just old age. It turned out she had cancer in her stomach and lungs, as my mom found out yesterday. The vet thought it was best to put her down, and my mom stayed with her while they did it.

I've been extremely sad and also worried about my mom. I have this sense that maybe I shouldn't be so sad about this because a dog's death is "natural" and "part of life," not to mention different than a human family member's death. Yet Dakota was part of our family for 13 years, and it's really hard to imagine home without her. Also, since my brothers and I moved out of our mom's house, Dakota has been the "only child" and has really kept my mom company for all these years. When I was in high school, I used to joke that my mom loved Dakota more than her kids because she would take entire rolls of film of the dog, showing only the kids' feet. But truly, Kota has been so important to my mom over the years, that I know this is crushing to her. So I find myself wishing Dakota a very sad goodbye - she was a loving, loyal, sweet dog.

Media images of women are harmful to girls

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 00:24:15 GMT

Several articles and studies have come out recently (re-)confirming that media images of women (e.g., diet messages in women's magazines, sexualized images of women and girls in ads, etc.) are bad for girls' mental and physical health. This does not come as a surprise, but it is good to have some more and more recent data to back up what certain feminists (and others) have been saying for many years. It is also a reminder of how very damaging media images can be to girls and young women, and I hope it is also a lesson to those people who believe that media is "pretend" and therefore has no real effect on its viewers. Here are some recent articles and studies:

* This is a commentary from Women's eNews about the recent study in the journal Pediatrics that found the dieting and body image messages in women's magazines are harmful to girls' health.
Bottom line: "For female adolescents, the frequency of healthy, unhealthy, and extreme weight-control behaviors increased with increasing magazine reading."

* Here is an article discussing a recent report by the American Psychological Association on the effects of sexualized images of girls and women on girls' self-image and mental health.
Bottom line: "The proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harming girls' self-image and healthy development."

These recent studies are spurring certain groups into action to help educate girls about these issues, which is great - (I would certainly have benefited from such education as a young teen). I think it is really important that boys and young men also learn to be critical consumers of media, particularly with regard to the messages of sexism and misogyny that often underlie media images of women. This is yet another issue (similar to violence against women) in which it is good to educate the "victims" (in this case women and girls) but there will be no institutional change until we also educate the men who consume and produce objectifying images of women. Both women and men participate in the system that furthers inequality by glorifying sexualized and objectifying images of girls and women, so people of all genders must participate in dismantling the system. Until the day we have a responsible media industry, it is critical to educate girls and their parents and boys and their parents on the damaging messages transmitted by these ubiquitous media images.

sleeplessness

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:10:29 GMT

I lie in the darkness listening to the slight noises of the night: the house breathes and creaks in its own slumber, the wind presses storm clouds upon the roof, and stars hide themselves in the mist. The dog patters to the back door to glimpse the first drops of rain from a brooding sky. As I hear these initial droplets turn into a powerful downpour, I see the refreshing water in my mind’s eye and wish it could penetrate the restless rumblings of my mind, soothe my disquiet and bring me back to peaceful sleep. Instead, I lie and listen as the storm rages, softens, and passes, giving way to the delicate new light of dawn. I hear the dawn pass into morning and rise reluctantly to face the day.

Lost is losing some points with me

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 03:28:27 GMT

Okay, so I admit I am a Lost addict. Even though I pride myself on not having a TV, those who know me know I am guilty of obsessively devouring a handful of shows on my computer. (And in case you are a real non-TV watcher, Lost is ABC's hit show about a number of people stranded on a mysterious island after a plane crash).

Aki introduced Nikhil and me to Lost several months ago, and we got hooked pretty quickly. When I first started watching, I was pleased to see a relatively diverse cast, certainly ethnically more diverse than usual prime time tv. I got irritated when they started making use of some heavy stereotypes (e.g., the Korean husband (Jin) is dominant and abusive to his wife, the Iraqi man (Sayid) is trained in torture - and makes use of that "skill" on the island - and don't forget the African American man (Michael) who has an occasional violence/anger problem). As though the writers got feedback, these plot lines turned away from these stereotypes after a while, and the characters were rounded out and cast in a positive light. Okay, progress...sort of. They even introduced a new black male character who seemed to be a strong leader with a spiritual bent (Eko, who also happened to have a background in violence and drug running)and a tough Latina ex-cop (Ana-Lucia, who I might mention, was also overly passionate, conniving, and violent). The stereotypes were still there (and still irritating), but I was pleased to at least see a striking level of diversity in the show. I should also mention that just about every character in the show has a dark past, so it is not only the people of color who were portrayed as troubled.

During the late second and early third seasons, however, the people of color started dropping like flies: one Latina and one black man dead, a second black man and boy gone from the show. So Lost went from an impressively mixed cast to a majority white very quickly, leaving no major black characters (one African American woman (Rose) remains, but she is peripheral). It is still a creative and interesting story line, but I am disappointed to see this blatant "whitening" of the cast and even more disappointed that my friends and others don't seem to notice. When I point things like this out, many of my friends laugh and say "it's not a conspiracy - it's just a tv show!" But really, who is writing this show? People have control over who is cast, the roles that are written for characters of different backgrounds and appearances, and what happens in a show. There is no such thing as coincidence in TV and movies because these roles are written and cast by actual people who have actual biases, agendas, incentives, and beliefs. If we are going to consume this type of media (and I admit I probably will continue), we have to at least be aware and critical of the messages we are consuming.

This is also a reminder of what a missed opportunity TV is. It is a powerful teaching tool, but most of the time, it is used to promote the same old ideas about race, gender, sexuality, and society as a whole. I hope viewers and consumers will grow more thoughtful about what they are seeing and then become more angry at the lies and stereotypes that are being fed to their kids. Angry enough to start talking, then start acting. If we do not hold TV producers accountable for the kind of shows - the kind of world - we want to see on TV, then nothing will ever improve. Props to Our Media Voice and others who are out there organizing to change the media for the better.

exploring gender/race in hip hop: an amazing documentary

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 06:21:40 GMT

A few weeks ago, Emily and I attended a screening of Beyond Beats and Rhymes: A Hip Hop Head Weighs in on Masculinity in Rap Culture (previously known as Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes) at the San Francisco Library. This documentary by Byron Hurt explores gender and race in hip hop music, videos, and the larger culture. It is extremely insightful and powerful, particularly because Hurt challenges rap artists themselves to weigh in on these important issues. This film illustrates the ways in which white supremacy*, sexism, homophobia, and class warfare all interact to affect the expression and evolution of hip hop music.

If you ever listen to hip hop (or even if you don't), you should see it for yourself! This film will be playing on February 20 at 10 p.m. on PBS. For local listings, look here.

I heard a lot about this film before seeing it, including hearing several segments of the film on Radio Pacifica back in November. I have been eager to see it since then, especially because in the last few years, my frustration with the sexism and misogyny of hip hop has turned me off almost completely from music I used to enjoy. At a certain point, it became impossible for me to ignore the lyrics (and the horrendously sexist music videos) and enjoy the songs, because I believe the messages we hear in music can powerfully affect our attitudes in real life. Skeptical? Don't you ever start singing along with a song without even consciously realizing you have memorized the lyrics? Even if we don't take some of these messages to heart (like the idea that women are playthings for men, that their bodies should look a certain way, and that they should be sexually available to any man in a position of power OR that all black men are sexually predatory/gangsters and all black women are hypersexual), they can still enter our minds. And the more we listen to them and the more we watch videos that uphold these stereotypes, the more likely these beliefs are to seep into our attitudes. For more on this, I recommend The Heart of Whiteness by Robert Jensen.

Please note that I am in no way saying that hip hop music has the corner on misogynist or racist attitudes; rock, country, and other white-dominated genres are guilty of horrendous racism and sexism. However, this documentary provides insight into both the hip hop culture and the music executives who call the shots. Since hip hop is one of few musical genres (or other mainstream paths to celebrity) that is dominated by people of color, it is in a position to send strong messages to youth of color about what their own identities and aspirations should be. In addition, hip hop's status as one of very few visible spots for people of color means white audiences for whom hip hop is their only window into black and Latino cultures learn stereotypical and incorrect views of these groups. For these reasons and so many more, it is critically important to examine hip hop culture and to challenge consumers to demand more socially conscious, subversive rap, while pushing music executives to produce it and supporting the artists who already make this type of music.

Here are some insightful highlights from the film:
Masculinity:
- Violence and masculinity are closely associated, but this goes beyond the ability or willingness to commit violence. Instead, the ability to navigate violence and survive it is also a sign of masculinity.
- Masculinity can function as a prison, in which who you really are is imprisoned by the "thug" you feel you have to be.

Racism
- Ever since mainstream (read: white), corporate record labels bought out the indie companies, labels won't produce constructive or positive rap. In other words, the corporate media defines hip hop now, and Hurt points out that the music became less conscious and at the same time got much more exposure when the major labels acquired and consolidated the smaller ones.
- 67-70% of hip hop is consumed by white men. Beyond 700,000, the market is all white, meaning white consumers drive the demand for the violent, negative music that has become a staple of contemporary hip hop.

Women
- Black women often say that when hip hop artists talk about bitches and hos, "they aren't talking about me." One person Hurt interviews makes this comparison: If George Bush went on TV and started using the N word, how many black people would say, "He wasn't talking about me. I don't know who he meant..."? When it is okay to treat some women as bitches or hos, it reflects on an attitude toward all women. This clearly plays out at one event that Hurt attends, where some men feel free to physically assault, verbally harass, and constantly comment on the bodies of the women in attendance. When Hurt asks them about their behavior, one man justifies his lewd behavior by drawing a distinction between "hos" and "sisters" because "sisters don't dress like that."
- We give artists a pass to behave any way they want and call it "expression." They say their music doesn't hurt anyone because it's "just music," but it does impact the community.

*Regarding the term "white supremacy," many respected writers prefer to use this word instead of the more general "racism" because it is more descriptive and specific. I tend to agree that it is an important term and idea to wrap our collective minds around. People tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to the term white supremacy, such as "that doesn't exist any more!" or "that's only a problem of the KKK and Nazis." But in reality, much of today's pervasive racial inequality has roots in the belief (and accompanying policies, law enforcement, etc)that white people are superior, more deserving, less "dangerous," etc. than people of color. This term also incorporates the idea that racism gets its harmful edge from a power differential, without which you can have racial bias, but the effects look very different. In other words, white people have historically had more power (economic, social, political, military, etc), which exacerbates the effects of any individual or systemic instance of racism on their part.

Healthcare reform in 2007 - update

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 23:46:54 GMT

As I mentioned in an earlier post, 2007 should be a big year for healthcare reform in California (and possibly federally as well). In the California state legislature, three major healthcare reform proposals are being considered, including the Governor's, Senator Don Perata's, and Assemblyman Fabian Nuñez'.

This chart breaks down a lot of the key information to compare these bills. In my eyes, each of these proposals has benefits and some serious drawbacks, and any proposal will require some changes to truly protect the interests of those who most need this reform: low-income, immigrant, and other marginalized communities. I am waiting to see how this negotiation fleshes out and keeping my eyes on some major goals for this reform: affordable, accessible healthcare for all Californians and comprehensive reproductive healthcare.

To track the progress on healthcare reform in California, I recommend the Health Access blog www.health-access.org/blogger.html

Blog for Choice

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 00:23:49 GMT

Today is the 34th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision, which decriminalized abortion in the U.S. I am writing today as part of Blog for Choice Day, in which bloggers who support safe and legal abortion are invited to write a post on this day in solidarity. This year, they asked people to write about “why you are pro-choice,” as a reminder that these highly charged political issues are really about women’s lives. I honestly have not heard this question often. Most of my pro-choice friends do not ask me why I share their beliefs – perhaps they assume they already know. And most anti-choice people I know assume they know all about me and my motivations when they find out I support legal abortion.

As my beliefs have evolved over the years, people from either side may have been right about me at some times and utterly wrong at others. Growing up Catholic, I was “pro-life” by default, meaning I learned that abortion was sinful and tantamount to murder. As I developed my own morals and beliefs, I learned (in high school) that abortion is not a black and white issue. I learned that women can be trusted to make their own decisions and that only they know their life circumstances well enough to make those decisions. I don’t know at what point I switched my stance to “pro-choice,” but by the time a friend of mine faced an unintended pregnancy, I was ready to help her with any of her options, in any way I could.

Today, I support safe and legal access to abortion, and I am proud to work for a pro-choice organization. At the same time, I see abortion and other reproductive and sexual health issues as part of a much larger social justice agenda, which includes ending racism, classism, homophobia, and violence against women, as well as improving sexuality education and implementing affordable and accessible healthcare, government-subsidized childcare, and a decent minimum wage. Solving many of these problems, which may seem peripheral to the abortion debate, would in fact radically change the lives of millions of women. If women had access to affordable, high-quality childcare, if single mothers did not disproportionately live in poverty, if all workers received a living wage, many women might be able to carry wanted – but impossible – pregnancies to term. Affordable health insurance and accessible medical care would also allow many other women to prevent unintended pregnancies.

Right now, abortion is legal for adult women in the U.S., but it remains inaccessible for most low-income and uninsured women (disproportionately women of color), because the Hyde Amendment prohibits Medicaid from paying for abortion services. This is just one of many access issues that shapes the landscape of “choice.” Low income women and many women of color face radically different “choices” about their reproductive and sexual health than do the white, middle class women who still make up the face of the “pro-choice” movement. I do believe we need to protect women’s access to safe and legal abortion, but “choice” is not enough. We have much more work to do to make it to a just society. I am glad to see more and more of the mainstream “pro-choice” organizations embracing this notion of Reproductive Justice, but there is still far to go.

The big 2-7

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 00:17:26 GMT

Today is my 27th birthday. 26 was a good year, and I am looking forward to a lot of good changes in my 27th year. Today has been relatively uneventful so far, since I've been at work. And when you work in an office by yourself, it's hard to make the atmosphere too festive. But I did get a lot of really nice calls and emails from my friends and family, which brightened my otherwise commonplace day. In fact, someone from my Statefarm agent's office just called to wish me a happy birthday. I was waiting for her to try to sell me more insurance after the birthday wishes (which one company recently did by mail: "Happy 27th - here's a deal on life insurance!"), but she just said "so you enjoy your day, okay?" Sometimes little things can really make a difference!